Friends

Humans, as I've mentioned in other posts are social beings. We rely on relationships with others. Friends are people we meet through out our life. We've become close enough to some to consider them family. Well, as we grow we change. Unfortunately with these changes comes with some losses and gains for balance. Its hard to grow up and keep everything as it was. Its a sad realization, but we don't have to lose our close friends. Its all a matter of balance.

Its been killing me

If you read this, fine. Whatever. My punishment for putting it on the internet right? Well, don't give your bs bout it okay? Don't tell me stupid things like 'hate is wrong' whatever. Thats just a giant load of bull. Dont tell me pointless things like 'be positive' that really shows how well you really do know me. I get angry. I'm human, shoot me! I make mistakes, but there's no denying I don't go back on them and try to make it better. I believe in all that zen stuff. I believe in karma. I believe in the Golden Rule. So yes, if you read this well. I feel like saying what's on my mind. So I may retaliate. Just saying, I have a way with words, I can get harsh. Even if I'll regret it later on and apologize, carpe diem. You have been warned.

I hate the way you make me feel small. Its as if I'm below you, where everything I do seems so shocking to you or its as if its a joke. I'm growing up. I'm going through life. Everything changes. I change. One time I may think I like pink, the next minute I'm in love with the colour blue. I'm learning. Leave me alone. That girl you knew, well she's still here it's just that I've added more to her. I'm not stupid, I love who I was. I love who I am. Despite my many faults, this is what defines me. I am not that kind of person though. That much, I do know.

I hate the way you judge me, the way you make me feel insecure. To the point that I hate being around you, I just hate it. I hate how everything I do recieves some sort of critism. But I'm a big girl. I can take it, but its at the point where its, 'Is this what a friend does?'

I hate the way where if people read this they'll assume I'm hating on someone. Are you crazy? Can you not read? Did I ever mention the words ,' I hate you.' I hate what people do. I can hate that an alcoholic drinks, but what if that's my friend? Well I can't hate them right, I still love them. Well these subconcious things we do, well its just like that. Nothing but a bad habit.

I will never hate you. I will never hate who you are. I will hate what you've done. But you're a part of my life. Never will I hate you.

I hate the way that I'm going crazy over this lack of communication and its killing me. The way its been bothering me so much, that I don't talk about it. Instead I let it kill me inside. I'm a talker, if you know me well enough you should be aware that I like to talk things out.

I hate how I'm quite impulsive. I hate how later on I know I will regret pouring out my current feelings on something so public like facebook. I hate how I do a lot without thinking about it enough. I hate how I do think before doing, but I still have this habit of being so careless. Yes I used that word, the word I utterly hate. I don't believe everyone is careless, I think theyre care free. Thinking of the world in a positive matter, thinking of living to the day. But yes, I hate my impulse. I hate my judgement. I hate a lot about myself, but we don't want anyone to start thinking I'm emo now do we?

I hate the way you make me feel as if I will never be enough for you. I hate the way you judge me and what I do. I hate the way you talk to me as if I'm stupider than you. I don't care if you don't intend to make me feel that way, but your actions. It all makes me feel like this.

I express myself in words. Thats who I am. That will never change. What I say or write is exactly how I feel. It is exactly what goes through my mind at the moment. I am what comes out of my mouth. I am a talker. I am word smart. I can't think of any other way to express myself than with words.

What's The Difference?

We, as a society live with hypocricy, as a society. We have groups advocating towards anti-bullying. Telling us that cyber bullying is wrong. But its still not helping a lot. The reason is, from my view that is. Is that media is the reason for it.

We use media to express our medium or message to our audience. But its not working. Bullying isn't declining quite quickly, though people are becoming more aware. Well it's because the media itself bullies.
Think about it. We see celebrities constantly gossiped about. We see their faults being picked at. We see their whole lives as someone reveals it to the whole world. Celebrities have parodies and art made of them that make fun of them.

Well, would we ever allow one to do that to a 'normal' person? So why do we accept it when it happens to a celebrity. Celebrities, or more so actresses or singers should not have to pay a price for their industry. If fame and hate is this price, have we forgotten what our faith tells us? The Golden Rule always taught us to treat others as we would like to be treated.

I surrender

There's a part of me that just wants to give up. In tagalog I would be saying "Gusto ko na sumoko." Or something like that. The stresses I face. The stresses each of us face. Can all be so troubling, tiring, and hopeless.

Have you ever had the feeling that nothing you do is enough?

Where you feel that there is too much for you to face and the easiest thing would be to just surrender. How do you know what love is? How do we know that our friends are true? When will we ever know. The pursuit for answers to questions like this is just exhausting. What happens if you've made a million and one mistakes? Then can you give up? Can we give up when we haven't made any mistakes or successes? When can we say we give up? Should we ever give up? I know life can get very tiring sometimes. But to me. It's never the right time to give up.

I'm Scared

I'm scared of who I am. I'm scared of who I may be. I'm scared of change. The unbearable thought that at any moment everything may grow and change everything all around for the best or the worst just scares me. I'm scared that who I am right now will never be who I am in twenty of thirty years. But the thing is, I want to grow up. I want to find out who I am. Suffering from a current identity crisis I'm absolutely unaware of who I am. I don't even know what I am. This constant fear that my 'successes' will be my only achievements scares me. I'm scared that all that I've acheived, will be the only things I will ever achieve. Please help me. Please help me with this fear. I've never been one to handle stress well or change. I'm scared that I will fall again. Help me because, I'm scared.

You can't handle the truth?

Why tell a lie when it's something so small? Why can't you tell the truth? I understand telling big lies, sometimes theyre to said to protect. But this, it's such a small lie. Yet you still said it, and it still hurt. When you consider someone such a close friend, what do you do when they do something like this?

How could I let that happen?

Every skyscraper stands out but without it's support it just comes tumbling down.

Going on this journey I call life I've met some quite amazing people. If I never met these people I'd probably be someone else. The thing is, I let these people drift away and it was when I let these people drift that my world came tumbling down. I looked for support in the wrong people and I just couldn't stand up again. I'm just happy to say that my worlds coming back to me. I've found the right people again and I'm doing better. Slowly I rebuild myself and all of that begins with my support. With out these people I really wouldn't be me and I have proved that I lost myself. A slow downhill fall, with my life spiraling out of control. I'm getting back on track and it's getting better.
These are letters made for the people in my life decide which one is for you.

I wanna say I'm sorry. I let you drift away and that was a really dumb move. I can say that I've suffered cause losing you in my life has made me lost myself. But that's what growing up is right? It's making decisions and mistakes and that's how we learn. If I didn't make these mistakes I wouldn't find the value in you. I've realized now that some people just have so much more worth that we let them realize. I've taken our friendship for granted and it wasn't till something else happened that I realized my stupidity. I honestly do not have common sense, I always thought I could do things alone. If people just 'disappeared' from my life I thought that I'd be able to do without them. It isn't till now that I realized no one disappears from your life unless you let them. I really want to say thank you that no matter what, you'll always be in my mind and heart. Looking in a mirror I'm not gonna forget that. I'm not gonna forget you.

Thank you! Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for sticking with my despite all my stupidity. Thank you for helping me realize stupid people in my life. Thank you for helping me see that I still have a lot to learn. Thank you for teaching me that it's okay to be imperfect, that it's okay to be loud and more. Thank you for sticking with me even if I pushed you away. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

New friends, old friends; is there really a difference? A friend is a friend. It's like a soulmate somehow. People believe that when you meet that soulmate you just have that instant attraction to them, even without getting to know them. You two just click. It's kind of like love at first sight. Well, new friends become old friends and I hope we stay like that for the rest of our lifes. Yes we have a million years to live, and I want to spend those million years with you.

Sorry, I've really been on this whole 'friendship hype'. I've just been so down and about with friends. I've been trying to realize who I am and who I'm not and who really holds my up. When I get really bothered by things like this I just keep writing or talking about it till it gets out of my system.